Hispanic Upfronts II: ‘People’s’ Beautiful Fiesta

Daddy Yankee, who this year was awarded the “prestigious” Artist of the Year award by Harvard University, made a bunch of us forget our penas and hit the floor Wednesday night at People en Español’s Bellos party at Mansion. The reggaetonero took the opportunity to premiere Pose, the first official single from his new album Talento de Barrio: El Soundtrack, due to hit stores on July 15th.

Other highlights:

– Lorena Rojas, whom you may or may not know, depending which Hispanic network you follow, was humble enough to remember this blogger, who shared the same crummy secondary school in Mexico City (Don’t tell anyone, but it was “La Secundaria 38, Josefa Ortíz de Domínguez, in the heart of la Colonia del Valle.) Her sister Mayra Rojas briefly dated my brother like a million years ago, when we were all very very young and silly… and in another planet.

–Univision’s news lady María Elena Salinas reminded this blogger that no matter how smart you are, you can still look very hot…

–On the other hand, Ninel Conde made me realize that, no matter how dumb or smart you are… if you have a good, solid pair of breasts you’ll be O.K. (What a bummer!)

–Niurka Marcos and Ivvy Queen share the same manicurist… somebody really mean who hates their guts

–Bárbara Bermudo showed up at the party holding hands with her eternal fiancé, Mario Andrés Moreno. And for the 50th time this decade said they are planning to get married and have a baby sometime, like soon. Very soon.

–Dennise Oller, the former Univision newscast anchor and 5 time Emmy winner, was at hand and told us she is slated to appear weekly in a new television segment on Telemundo/Channel 47. Instead of doing the news, Oller will now be in charge of “A la mesa con Denisse,” a series of 5-minute segments that will air weekly on Wednesdays at 11:30am.

–Ray Rodríguez, Univision’s COO, and Mike Rodríguez, Telemundo’s vp of sales and marketing, managed to stay away from each other most of the time, even duping some people into thinking they are not related… much less that they are brothers

–El Gordo Raúl de Molina will soon have to think about re-naming his afternoon show with Lili Estefan, as he is now 60 pounds thinner. Shall we call the new program “El Flaco y la Más Flaca?” or maybe “El Nuevo y Renovado El Gordo y la Flaca” …Perhaps they will want to take a cue from the new, revamped Sábado Gigante and announce a major overhaul

–And speaking of thin people, I was glad to confirm that -following up on my report of one year ago- both TVP’s Manny Vidal and Univision’s Otto Padrón are still in good shape, looking hot and keeping the extra pounds at bay. Alex, however, was nowhere to be found.

–And last but certainly NOT least: this blogger ended the night with a perfect finale at romantic Pier 76…. Alas, not on some famous person’s million-dollar yacht, but at the West 38th Street tow pound, helping my friend Nicole Raymond rescue her car from the hands of very mean-looking people.

Ok you guys, I guess that’s it for now. I must go back and do some real sleeping writing.

Hispanic TV Upfronts: Sights and Sounds I

Last year I told readers of this blog I would strive to become a sort of ‘El Gordo y la Flaca’ of Hispanic marketing and advertising, bringing them some juicy gossip and fun facts surrounding this ever exciting market. Well, this week was upfronts week in Manhattan, and although some big networks decided not to hold traditional presentations, I still had my share of cocktails, parties and -of course- the always ultra chic, popular and star-studded People en Español Bellos bash.

Some highlights:

Still trying to figure out how to beat Univision in prime-time, Telemundo this week said it is working on a remake of El Clon, the successful Brazilian telenovela which it aired in 2002. Still my favorite upcoming project is Sin Tetas no Hay Paraíso, which NBC insists in translating as “Without Breasts There is no Paradise,” but from now on, I will call “No Tits No Glory.”

-Still trying to figure out how to continue its smashing ratings success among Hispanics, Univision said it is working on a revamped, reloaded, 360, all-new version of …. Sábado Gigante! Yep. The “new” show, coming to you this fall, is aptly named… El Nuevo Sábado Gigante… Qué más?

-And still trying to figure out what the hell is that it is supposed to do to compete with Univision and Telemundo, Azteca America decided not to hold an upfront this year. Instead, it opted for a series of client meetings around the country pitching its programming as proudly “Made in Mexico.” … Didn’t they proudly pitch a “Made in the U.S.” strategy last year? Ay caramba!

-MTVTr3s, for its part, couldn’t care less about Gigantic Saturdays or refried telenovelas. Instead, it rocked Tuesday night with an upfront presentation at Times Square’s B.B. King starring Don Omar sans Ms. Guerrido…

In the end, Univision managed to steal everybody’s thunder with a surprise -and very much appreciated- mini-concert by Shakira to close its presentation at Jazz Lincoln Center.

More to come… Stay tuned

Univision’s Chief Moonlights as a ‘Piragüero’

Joe Uva might not be fluent in Spanish (yet) but he certainly has a sense of humor and, unlike his predecessor, seems to enjoy the limelight and being onstage.

Joining the cast of In the Heights, Mr. Uva made his first appearance at the Univision upfront this week sporting a bata de piragüero and pitching -what else?- piragua sabor UVA.

(More upfront coverage to come… still trying to recover from all the partying work)

Pre-Hispanic America According to Disney

Judging from Disney’s Beverly Hills Chihuahua official trailer, Aztecs, Mayans and Incas are all the same thing. Besides, it doesn’t really matter who your ancestors were or which pyramid country you are from. If you play a tambor and wear a colorful penacho, you qualify to be the real enchilada.

I wonder if Taco Bell will sign up as sponsor of this rubbish movie.

¡Ay Chihuahua!

Now We Know Where to Go…

If someone ever asks you to go to la Chingada (i.e. “vete a la chingada”), something that happens to some of us quite often, at least now you know where to go. Informed sources tell me this bodega is somewhere in Alvarado, Veracruz.

‘Habemus’ Latin on the Internet

If there is Latin music, Latin films and Latin entertainment, why not Latin Latin?

The Vatican today added a page in Latin on its venerable Web site, where visitors can read original manuscripts and other religious materials written in this lengua muerta.

(I just hope marketers will leave this one alone. You never know with these people rushing to take advantage of all-things Latin!)

CNN Expansión Writes about ‘Dirty Spanish’

As most of you know, my book Dirty Spanish (co-written with Alexis Munier) is finally out! But the real good news is that Time Inc.-owned Expansión magazine has written a little story about it. Ok, Ok, I know this is a real “big onion” (i.e. cebollazo) but you gotta let me have my 5 minutes of glory. he, he

Click on the image -or here- to read the story (in Spanish):

This is NOT Your Regular Salchicha

I bet you didn’t know how to differentiate a regular sausage from one specifically made to prepare a hot dog.

Well, that is why Mexico’s Cremería y Salchichonería Cuadritos has come up with the one and only Salchicha hotdogkera, prepared and packed exclusively for your hot dog-preparation needs.

The hotdogkeras were last spotted in a Mexico City Wal-Mart, but we wonder if they will soon be welcome as members of the exclusive, Washington, DC-based National Hot Dog & Sausage Council of America

Photo: Begoña Lozano

Meet ‘La Prieta Faya’

In a recent interview with People magazine, retroacculturated Latina actress Eva Longoria recalled how, as the darkest of four sisters, she was constantly referred to as “La prieta faya” [sic], which then the magazine translates as “the ugly dark one.”

Either Mrs. Longoria’s family flunked Spanish in junior high (faya is not a real word; I want to believe she meant “fea”) or she actually said “fea” but People’s editors didn’t bother to have sister mag People en Español help with the spell check.

Either way, the whole thing looks very “faya” to me. And don’t get me started on the “dark ugly one” part. I will let that one for you to munch on.

Ay, ay, ay!

Does this Guy Strike you as a Mayor?

Not at all, says Mr. Rush Limbaugh, who upon meeting Antonio Villaraigosa thought he was a “shoeshine guy” or a secret service agent at best.

According to a Portfolio blogger, during an interview this week with -who else?- Fox News, the right-wing radio blabber commentator recounted his first meeting with Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa.

“I shook [Clinton's] hand, he left, comes back [with] the mayor of Los Angeles,” he told listeners. “I thought it was a Secret Service agent, maybe a shoeshine guy. Turns out he gives me his card, I said, ‘Oh, my gosh, it’s the mayor of Los Angeles.’”

Mr. Villaraigosa is said to be considering a response to Mr. Limbaugh. So, while he makes up his mind, go ahead and help him find a good one:

“The first time I saw Mr. Limbaugh I thought… [Fill in the blank]“

Had a Few Too Many?

If you are a real trooper and celebrated Cinco de Mayo “como Dios manda”, I’m sure you feel a little like this guy this morning.

Well, it turns out Seis de Mayo is my very own personal holiday… So chances are it will be my turn to look this miserable on Siete de Mayo.

¡Salud, pues! and see you on the Ocho.

It’s Cinco de Mayo Sneakers!

Move over Cinco de Mayo Barbie. The hottest trend this fake Mexican holiday are Adidas’ Cinco de Mayo sneakers.

Those willing to fork out $100 for a pair of these beauties, will be set to run and jump like only Mexicans can. Just wait for the “¡Ahí viene la migra!” call for action and you’ll be off to some real fun.

What are you waiting for? Get your sneakers, grab a Corona from the nearest bodega, give the help a day off and have a Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Imagine: Gringos Sing Mexico’s National Anthem

If you have never heard of Pangea Day you’re in for a weird real treat: As part of the organization’s“Imagine” anthem series, you can see a bunch of mostly white, well-dressed -and presumably non-Hispanic- Americans singing Mexico’s National Anthem somewhere along the U.S.-Mexican border, while “real” Mexicans pass by them wearing jorongos and looking kind of hopeless, until a fence magically comes down.

Oh, dear! I think I’ll go puke… or at least take a bite of my Margarita-flavored chocolate bar.

Talk About a Genuine Chocolate ‘Bar’

Attending Hispanic conferences is always a wonderful experience, especially when you end up awash in Latino-themed goodies. Such was the case at this week’s HACR’s annual Symposium in New York City, where attendees were treated with Margarita-flavored milk chocolate bars, among other delicious stuff.

I have not yet had the ‘cojones’ to try the thing. I would need a couple of shots beforehand. Or maybe more.

A Case of Product ‘Misplacement’

It is not news that Spanish-language television is plagued with product placement pitches and product endorsements by network talent. But here’s what can go wrong, very wrong, when you do so on live television and your main “pitch man” cannot tell the difference between Hellmann’s and McCormick.